While I’m out honeymooning it up, I thought I would keep the entertainment headed your way with some pretty fabulous guest posters. Wahhoo!
Ah yes, tis Friday. And doesn’t it feel natural for a post from Alyssa to pop up on Friday? Really, what would Friday be without Alyssa bringing the funny? And today is no exception over here at Chez Moi. If you would like more Alyssa, which of course you will after reading this fab post to usher you into the weekend of awesome, she writes quite frequently over at Kind of A Mess. And is also awesome (much like your weekend is about to be). So read this, laugh, be merry, and I’ll see you sometime next week!
Once there was a girl and a boy. They met and because of horse races, lemon squares and Doctor Who, they fell in love. Their courtship was lovely and sweet, with just the right bit of tumultuous-ness to make things interesting. And after much deliberating and making out, they decided to get married.
After the marriage, there was to be a honeymoon. But this was no ordinary honeymoon, as the girl had a magical friend named Julie who owned something that few people know of, called a “Time Share.” This wondrous Time Share allowed you to travel anywhere in the world and stay there for free…mostly. And because Julie was an amazing friend, she bestowed upon the boy and the girl the use of her Time Share for their honeymoon. And there was rejoicing.
As the boy and the girl navigated the vast maze called The Internets to view their Time Share choices, they greatly disagreed on where to go. As it was a September wedding, the girl wanted someplace cold in the mountains, where there could be snow and fireplaces and nekkid snuggling. However, the boy wanted someplace warm, with sand and water and the opportunity to ogle the girl’s bosom in a tight swimsuit. After much back and forth, the boy won; but only because he promised that the girl could romp in a swimsuit and not be embarrassed by her cellulite. Together, they chose the land of Aruba.
Aruba is a land of blue seas, golden sands and confusing money structures. It is also a land where English is freely spoken, a massive plus for the slightly redneck boy. The journey to Aruba began early in the morning, barely twelve hours after the boy and girl had been wed. Three a.m. is not a happy place to be, especially at an airport, but most especially when the airport is empty because the counters do not open until five a.m. The girl, cranky and in need of a doughnut, played with her iPhone while the boy quietly fretted and worried as he was wont to do. Three stopovers, ten hours and many minor resolutions to never travel again, the boy and girl made it to Aruba. After checking in, the first thing they did was order room service. What arrived was the best food they had ever eaten; it had to be mystically enchanted! The water, so pure that angels may have wept it…the Coke so sweet and true that all Coke pales in comparison…the burger and chicken Caesar salad have yet to be matched since. Maybe it was the glow of their love, or the fact that they hadn’t eaten anything but airport snacks all day, but they filled their tummies and then set off to explore the island.
Over the next few days, the boy and the girl snorkeled, swam, shopped and ate to their hearts content. The boy even convinced the girl to wear a bikini, a first as she was thick and busty. There was iguanas who stood guard on craggy rocks and flamingos that stood by and waited for their chance to attack the happy couple, their bright pink color a ruse covering up the evil in their heart. The boy and wandered the streets and narrowly avoided vacationing drunks. They held hands as they sunbathed and sipped lovely boozy drinks. The girl even convinced the boy to get a couples massage, which he feared might be embarrassing and possibly inappropriate. However, the soothing hands and soft music won him over and he later admitted it was possibly the best part of the trip thus far. The boy and girl even took a diving trip on a boat and then sunned themselves on the adult beach. The girl, who had quit wearing makeup and quit giving a damn what she looking like in a bikini, decided to go topless as she got a tan. A towel over her face, she started to doze as she suddenly felt a bug alight atop her bosom. Swatting the bug away, her hand instead met the face of her beloved who had decided to get a little frisky as she lay there. The boy did not find it funny, but the story of the time she slapped the sh*t out of her husband on their honeymoon still makes the girl smile. They had some of the best times together that they’d ever had. and there was much rejoicing.
Alas, it was not long until the wonder of the land of Aruba began to wear off. The boy began to fret about money and dread going back home to work; the girl developed a rash from her supposedly “sensitive skin” sunscreen because apparently Coppertone is a damn dirty liar. They fussed at each other and tried so hard NOT to fight that it built up and they had a major blow-out over a sandwich. They attempted to ward off reality and stay in their lovely cocoon, but they soon realized that pretending they’d never have to go home was only making things worse. The boy and the girl realized that a honeymoon is like the summer after your senior year and before college, a little break before moving on to bigger and better things. The vacation was a nice segue as the boy and the girl turned into husband and wife.
And therefore, my lovely moppets, the moral of the story is that honeymoons are lovely, perfect and needed. But the best part of a honeymoon is coming home and getting your life started. That truly is a cause for much rejoicing.