My Mental State

Our apartment feels like my brain. A total disastrous mess.

There are wedding remnants scattered about, much like my brain, there’s honeymoon baggage and gifts we bought for people all willy nilly, and there is a complete inability to move forward with anything. I am overwhelmed to a stalemate. There is laundry piling up, there are to do lists that haven’t even been made, merely touched upon…. mentally…. there are even roles of bubble wrap splayed out across my living room floor into the entry way. And I can’t seem to muster the mental energy to pick them up and throw them away. Although, I do occasionally walk across them (on purpose) while on my way to the bathroom.

I want to talk about the wedding, but I’m not sure what to say yet. Overwhelmed is a good place to start since I’m already here. It was immense. So big, bigger than any one person, bigger even than the group of people there. I want to go back and sit in the moment, I want to go back and watch it all happen around me, swirling like a happy and sad and rushed and gigantic rush of water and air and emotion. I want to go back and see how it all happened because all I can think lately is how it needed to slow down. Slow, slow down. I want it all to slow down and let me breath. Let me stay in this moment for a little while and look around.

But I can’t do that because the moment passed. It’s gone, it happened and I’m grateful for that because in some parts it was too much, it swallowed me whole, I was obliterated. And then other parts pulled me through, washed me off and had me standing up, twirling around through the glorious, exhausting, overwhelming (here we are again) madness.

But I wish I could see how it all happened. I ask the ladies what they saw, what happened when I wasn’t looking, how were the reactions, tell me how it seemed, what was said, what you heard. And then compare it to what I remember, and then play back the memory again and again, re-feel what it felt like in the moment because the moment has gone an I don’t want to forget.

My apartment is like my brain, it is a mess.

15 thoughts on “My Mental State”

  1. I think it takes time until it all settles down. Write down the memories you have, if only just for you.
    And just rest, for a day or two. Let the mess be, when you are ready you will pick up and organize. Or maybe start, 1 thing at a time…

  2. ahhh. this. i wish i could go back and just soak it in. and i made the conscious effort to dance every song, to talk to every person, to eat every bite, to enjoy my champagne and to live it all so intensely, so i wouldn’t feel that it passed me by too quickly…and it still did. and then my brain was a mess, and i cried and i was overwhelmed too–by the enormity and by the beauty and by the fact that while, yes, something big, and wonderful was just beginning, something big, hugely wonderful had ended.

    like amanda said, just give it some time. things will start to fall into place. organizing stuff can help too! 🙂 the quiet, individual act of sorting the outside world can sometimes do wonders for the inside one. \

    ::hugs::

  3. Amanda really said all I could think to say, just wanted to chime in and say Ah! I know what you mean. And take your time. Also high fiiive (because it’s done now and all you have to do is let it sink in and LIVE and be married).

  4. I’m really wishing I could go back and relive the day. It was such a good day. I just want to keep replaying it in my head, but it keeps getting fuzzier. Damn my bad memory.

  5. So very much this. You said so perfectly what has been crawling around my brain. Then add how “real life” has come crashing back down around me and there I am. But congrats once again!

  6. Your brain may be a mess, but this was beautifully written.
    Savor the bubblewrap along with your memories!

  7. I know the feeling. I’ve been married for 22 days and I’m still in that “stalemate” state. I hope it passes – and soon. Husband just told me he needs me back.

  8. I told B the other day that I wish I could’ve been a guest at our wedding, just to see what that was like. I also wish I could re-experience it – it’s already getting so fuzzy, and that with loads of photos and some video footage (I also really wish I could go back in time and go on our first date, etc. again, since I wasn’t paying attention hard enough the 1st time around–didn’t think it would ever lead to anything).

    As for the messiness, give yourself time. There’s so much to process, mentally and physically.

  9. welcome back! I remember that feeling and I echo what everyone said, give yourself time. It kind of took me about a month…ish.
    p.s. if you bring bubble wrap to UPS stores, they’ll re-use it! 🙂

  10. See, this? Makes me terrified of planning/having a wedding (I mean, that amidst many other things). I know it’s WONDERFUL, and I’m guessing a lot of that overwhelming feeling comes from an overwhelming feeling of gratitude for all the wonderfulness that life has to offer, but…still! Ack! I tend to get easily overwhelmed as it is, and thinking about this makes me want to crawl off into a non-wedding hole before rushing off to a courthouse 😛

    So, basically…I feel for ya. Overwhelmed sucks. But once you’re ready, I can’t wait to hear about your wedding 🙂

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