I took the day off yesterday from… well… life. I woke up at 6am because the alarm didn’t go off at 530 like it was supposed to (I know, right?) and I dragged myself out into the living room to work out. Kamel and I take turns, so I made him go first while I curled up, like a blob, on the couch, in his fleece pull over and sweats (Spoiler alert: Where I am still sitting, in the same clothes, yes I am), and watched him lift weights and jump around while my eyes glazed over.
It was one of those mornings where I thought “I can’t possibly go to work. I just can’t.” And instead of calling myself a lazy ass hole and making myself get into the shower, I decided to say fuck it. Neener neener temp job… I am SO NOT GOING IN TODAY. Yes, I had appointments and meetings, but this time? This time I didn’t care. And I’m the type of person who cares, who has massive guilt, who things EVERY THING is important and meaningful and what if… what if people don’t like me because I didn’t follow through with that meeting request? WHAT IF. But on Monday, I was set free from mental anguish. Which means to me that this little mental health day, the first day in months where I have not been multitasking for 90% of my waking hours – this day was super necessary.
You know what else made me realize this? My massive teary break down after watching Bridesmaids. Yes, Bridesmaids. Go ahead and click on that link if you aren’t 100% familiar with the premise. The HI-LARIOUS premise. The “female hangover,” as it has been described. So why am I crying twice in the movie and sobbing in the car (full on hands over face, Kamel patting me on the back, sobbing)? I had to ask him multiple times, “Am I crazy?! Am I?!” Which mostly means, yes… yes you are. But he said no. So, I’ll believe him for now (No, I don’t). So why did I cry? What was the big whoop?
The same reason I wrote this post last week. I am right in the middle, right in the trenches, of HAVING MY WEDDING HAPPEN. And aside from the emotional bullshit (I call bullshit, because wtf? I cry at everything… everything is all, “oh my gosh that is SO touching.” No, no it’s not Lauren, it’s an old man falling down at a wedding on funniest home videos. Not touching.) I also really, really wish it was not the only thing on my mind. I don’t want to talk about it anymore, I don’t want it to be the only thing I write about. And Yes, I get it, it will happen and then be done and wow I’ll have the rest of my life to handle, and won’t that be fun and entertaining? But right now it feels like I’m up to my ear lobes in wedding, emotionally, to-do list-wise, stories, check ins, activities.
I simultaneously care SO MUCH and am sickened at myself for caring. Who CARES about my stupid wedding flats for the reception? ME. That’s who! Who CARES about the vows Kamel and I started writing this weekend… well, me. I want to share them with everyone I see walking down the street and then have to force myself not to because Jesus, Lauren! Something needs to remain secret!
Am I overreacting when I worry and feel panicked about moving on to the next stage of my life and worrying about leaving my best friends behind? Worried about the changes that are swiftly approaching? Worried about what this new stage will be, what it will bring, and what will happen to the old me, the single me who dropped everything for my best friends, my parents. The person who would and could get up and fly across the country for an impromptu snowboarding trip or a weekend to watch stupid girl movies and eat gobs of Walgreens candy in our pajamas? Yes, I am overreacting. And no, I’m not.
So that’s what’s going on over here. That’s why things here have felt SUPER scattered (at least to me). I don’t feel like I have any stories and it’s swallowing me up! What can I share with you that you will care about and not just roll your eyes? This has been a theme, lately, right? You’ve heard this one. It’s really just eating me up. I think about it every day. “What can I write for tomorrow, what do I have to say? What’s going on in my world… another wedding related post? No. No, I CAN’T possibly write about it again, but I CAN’T possibly think of anything else. REALLY? I HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO SAY?” stabstabstab.
So I’m trying to navigate through it, I’m trying to find the funny, the interesting, the stories in my life, while, at the same time, trying not to get swallowed up by this big event happening to my left. And all of the little dramas that go with it, all of the things SCREAMING in my mind that need to be shared, but definitely cannot be. Bare with me these next two months. There will be lots to report and I’m trying to find things to highlight and share that aren’t so obvious. In a good way.