Mind. Gone. Explody.

I took the day off yesterday from… well… life. I woke up at 6am because the alarm didn’t go off at 530 like it was supposed to (I know, right?) and I dragged myself out into the living room to work out. Kamel and I take turns, so I made him go first while I curled up, like a blob, on the couch, in his fleece pull over and sweats (Spoiler alert: Where I am still sitting, in the same clothes, yes I am), and watched him lift weights and jump around while my eyes glazed over.

It was one of those mornings where I thought “I can’t possibly go to work. I just can’t.” And instead of calling myself a lazy ass hole and making myself get into the shower, I decided to say fuck it. Neener neener temp job… I am SO NOT GOING IN TODAY. Yes, I had appointments and meetings, but this time? This time I didn’t care. And I’m the type of person who cares, who has massive guilt, who things EVERY THING is important and meaningful and what if… what if people don’t like me because I didn’t follow through with that meeting request? WHAT IF. But on Monday, I was set free from mental anguish. Which means to me that this little mental health day, the first day in months where I have not been multitasking for 90% of my waking hours – this day was super necessary.

You know what else made me realize this? My massive teary break down after watching Bridesmaids. Yes, Bridesmaids. Go ahead and click on that link if you aren’t 100% familiar with the premise. The HI-LARIOUS premise. The “female hangover,” as it has been described. So why am I crying twice in the movie and sobbing in the car (full on hands over face, Kamel patting me on the back, sobbing)? I had to ask him multiple times, “Am I crazy?! Am I?!” Which mostly means, yes… yes you are. But he said no. So, I’ll believe him for now (No, I don’t). So why did I cry? What was the big whoop?

The same reason I wrote this post last week. I am right in the middle, right in the trenches, of HAVING MY WEDDING HAPPEN. And aside from the emotional bullshit (I call bullshit, because wtf? I cry at everything… everything is all, “oh my gosh that is SO touching.” No, no it’s not Lauren, it’s an old man falling down at a wedding on funniest home videos. Not touching.) I also really, really wish it was not the only thing on my mind. I don’t want to talk about it anymore, I don’t want it to be the only thing I write about. And Yes, I get it, it will happen and then be done and wow I’ll have the rest of my life to handle, and won’t that be fun and entertaining? But right now it feels like I’m up to my ear lobes in wedding, emotionally, to-do list-wise, stories, check ins, activities.

I simultaneously care SO MUCH and am sickened at myself for caring. Who CARES about my stupid wedding flats for the reception? ME. That’s who! Who CARES about the vows Kamel and I started writing this weekend… well, me. I want to share them with everyone I see walking down the street and then have to force myself not to because Jesus, Lauren! Something needs to remain secret!

Am I overreacting when I worry and feel panicked about moving on to the next stage of my life and worrying about leaving my best friends behind? Worried about the changes that are swiftly approaching? Worried about what this new stage will be, what it will bring, and what will happen to the old me, the single me who dropped everything for my best friends, my parents. The person who would and could get up and fly across the country for an impromptu snowboarding trip or a weekend to watch stupid girl movies and eat gobs of Walgreens candy in our pajamas? Yes, I am overreacting. And no, I’m not.

So that’s what’s going on over here. That’s why things here have felt SUPER scattered (at least to me). I don’t feel like I have any stories and it’s swallowing me up! What can I share with you that you will care about and not just roll your eyes? This has been a theme, lately, right? You’ve heard this one. It’s really just eating me up. I think about it every day. “What can I write for tomorrow, what do I have to say? What’s going on in my world… another wedding related post? No. No, I CAN’T possibly write about it again, but I CAN’T possibly think of anything else. REALLY? I HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO SAY?” stabstabstab.

So I’m trying to navigate through it, I’m trying to find the funny, the interesting, the stories in my life, while, at the same time, trying not to get swallowed up by this big event happening to my left. And all of the little dramas that go with it, all of the things SCREAMING in my mind that need to be shared, but definitely cannot be. Bare with me these next two months. There will be lots to report and I’m trying to find things to highlight and share that aren’t so obvious. In a good way.

31 thoughts on “Mind. Gone. Explody.”

  1. I so relate to this. When we were in the trenches of wedding-planning this time last year, I felt so self absorbed. I was totally obsessed with my own wedding, but I hated when people asked me about it (because that’s ALL they asked me about) and after a while you just get so sick of talking about it. But it’s all you’re thinking about.

    The fantastic thing is, as soon as we returned from our honeymoon, our lives went back to blissful normality. It was sort of weird, the way the energy in our house became super relaxed and suddenly we were just US again, not ENGAGED PEOPLE WHO ARE PLANNING THEIR WEDDING. There is no more “omg is he gonna propose,” no more WEDDING PLANNING, just regular old relationship (except now it’s got this fancy “MARRIAGE” title)

    It gets better <3

      1. It really does go back to normal. There are a few weeks of “how was the wedding” and “do you feel different” but that goes away too.

  2. so freaking out about the changes, first of all, is so normal that if you didn’t do it, THAT wouldn’t be normal.

    also, thanks for bringing up the crazy fuckfest conundrum of column a’s being a down-to-earth girl who doesn’t get caught up in the wedding in an obnoxious way and column b’s still caring. if you don’t acknowledge column b (shorthand), i think that’s when you might go crazy…if you’re so busy pretending that you don’t want to talk about the wedding…that it isn’t the HUGEST THING SUCKING UP ALL OF YOUR TIME right now, then you’ll just have an outburst of verbal diarrhea on everyone you know and it won’t be awesome.

    so keep talking about it, i care about your wedding flats.

    1. me, too. I’m coming up on my wedding in three months, and hearing that I’m not the only one going through the life’s-about-to-change crazies is wonderful. I’m sorry you’re suffering through them too (they are teh suck, I know) but definitely don’t beat yourself up for writing about them!

  3. So, I can’t really comment on the whole “wedding taking over my life” aspect of this, but I can say this: You are awesome, your blog is awesome, and I’ll keep reading about your wedding until you can think of something else, and then I’ll read about your clothes and your trips and your eating Walgreens candy in pajamas. It isn’t what you write about, but how you do it that keeps me reading, and I don’t think your style is going to change just because you lose your mind or get married or take a break every now & again.

  4. Awww Lauren. Your wedding is very interesting and you and Kamel are adorable, and I am sorry about the drama. Pre-wedding drama is the craziest and the worst and it usually runs pretty deep. Weddings habe this way of brining all the Bullshit out with family and friends. I could write an entire novel about my pre-wedding drama, but it would probably get me into trouble. Good luck with it all and I’m glad that you’re taking care of yourself.

  5. Whoa, I feel emotionally drained just reading this so I can’t imagine how you must be feeling. Oh, wait a minute, yes I can – twelve months ago, THIS WAS ME.

    The wedding thing is pretty crazy, and nobody really knows the best way to get through it because generally you only get to do it once. All you can do is hang on in there and strive for some sort of balance. In many ways, the wedding is not actually the dramatic life-changing event you think it will be – you’ll still be *you*, afterwards. I don’t there is a “single you” and a “married you” – there’s just you. Lauren. The person that you are won’t change overnight – marriage, to me, is a long, gradual journey, not something that suddenly alters your state of being the second you say your (amazing, no doubt) vows.

    Totally agree with Nikki too – the post-wedding feeling is the BEST. So much spare time! So much spare money! So much cool new stuff in the house! So many beautiful pictures to look at! It’s super chilled out and just amazing, so hold onto that as something to look forward to when you think you might punch the next person who asks you if you’ve got everything all organised for the wedding.

    But in the meantime, I would absolutely love to hear more about your stupid wedding flats. Bring it on.

  6. You climbed into my brain and read this in there didn’t you?! I feel you. I FEEL YOU. I’m not crying a lot…yet. But I know I will.

    Write about whatever you feel like – it’s your blog, you can do what you want. Anyone who doesn’t want to read about the wedding, won’t read! I love you write about both sides – not just the “OMG RECEPTION FLATS” but the “really? reception flats?” Because that is life. Cyberhugs.

  7. Wow, I’m 102 days away from our wedding and yes, you’ve nailed it on the head (yet again!) and so much more eloquently than I ever could which is the exact reason I want and NEED to hear all about your wedding and your process whenever you feel like talking about it. Gah…. It’s like I want to talk about our wedding and my thoughts on our wedding ALL THE DAMN TIME while simultaneously wanting to punch anyone who asks me about it in the face because oh my god, I don’t want to talk about it ANYMORE. I’ve always cared about the details but holy hell there are so many details involved in weddings and having to care about whether the purple on the bridesmaids dresses match the purple on the save the dates (which, by the way, if someone is bringing their save the date to the wedding and holding it up to the bridesmaids dresses to see if they match, they can expect to get bounced right out of the tent because what the what?)??? These are things I never thought I’d have to care about let alone form a reasonable opinion on!

    It’s lovely to hear that I’m not crazy and that you’re not crazy and that this is (unfortunately) normal. Please keep wedding writing.

  8. Okay so, I’ll just say this now… If I’d had a blog last year from like, April until September, it would looked something like this.

    Your blog is about your life. And right now? Your life is pretty surrounded by the wedding. It’s okay to write about your wedding for a little while because it’s what is going on! That doesn’t make this a wedding blog, it makes it a blog about a wonderfully smart woman who is getting married, who wants to talk about that, and then move onto the rest of your life.

    Sure, the wedding planning is consuming as hell. But honestly? You have so many readers who WANT to hear about the details from you. Can I tell you how badly I wanted to go on and on about our wedding? If I’d had a blog, I would’ve. I was so in love with everything with our wedding. You can be AND post about it and people will read the crap out of it!

    I’m just saying, don’t feel bad about sharing your life, even if it’s mostly wedding stuff, with us. We like reading about you, what you have to say, what’s going on. I guess I’m just saying that it’s okay, it’s more than okay, if that’s what is going on with you and you want to spill some awesome details.. People will want to read it!

    Feeling excited for things? Talk about it. Feeling overwhelmed as hell about what’s to come? Tell us. I mean, tell us as much as you’re comfortable with.

    Sorry if my post is coming off as telling you what to do.. My intent is more… IT’S OKAY to have the feelings you’re having, but also don’t forget your readers are a lot more supportive than you might think and we won’t roll our eyes at you… Promise. šŸ™‚

  9. Hello, new reader here. I have to say that I’m also in the trenches and I find reading blogs like yours very helpful because there are people who care about some strangely mundane and yet not mundane things. Keep it up. There are plenty of us who are right here with you wondering if we’ll ever be interesting conversationalists again.

  10. Um…your wedding flats dilemma is what I will online power shop this morning. So, in short, I care.

    Keep writing, we’ll keep reading. Promise.

  11. So many serious, true things to say that have already been said, so I’ll just say this:

    I think you need to buy a giant cookie and then punch the shit out of it. I totally think anyone involved in a wedding would feel better after that. : )

  12. One of the most often heard pieces of advice is to write what you know. Not everything you know, mind you, but something you know. Right now, at this moment in time, you know weddings. No, I take that back — you know the wedding that you and Kamel are planning. And that’s not all you know, of course, but it’s in the forefront right now. That’s OKAY. It’s fine. It’s great. And it won’t be forever.

    Have a drink, write whatever you feel like saying. Embrace it, embrace what you’re going through at this particular moment in time, and then move on to the next thing.

  13. Ok, I know this is not always easy to do in practice, and I hope I can take my own advice in 4.23 months, but you need to give yourself a BREAK. Wedding planning is crazy and working at the same time, and writing a blog! Impressive! šŸ™‚

    PS. I had one of these freak out moments about my flats last night and bitched to my friend who, helped me find shoes! But now I have to go 60 blocks uptown in NYC to get them. Does the drama ever end????

  14. Hello Lauren…. from the “other” side of being “newly” married (8 months woow just realized), I just wanted to send you a big hug. It will get better, time will fly, and you will enjoy that floaty feeling of joy that comes with all the emotion of getting married, and having all your friends and family together and nice cake and the calm that comes after that and your life together, and the struggles and the things that you will figure out later. But for now, just hang in there, take a deep breath… a nap, or go throw away the glass in the recycling container (throwing the stuff there is very relaxing)
    And do keep us posted, I promise you will not bore us, at least I love reading you… whether that is when you tell us about your wedding necklace or your adventures with your friends or your worries about the end of the world. Like it was said by other commenters, it is about the way you say things. But right now, I just want you to be happy… maybe have some ice cream ? Take a walk in the park with Kamel?

  15. I think you should blog about cats.

    Or vaginas.

    (Everyone else was being so helpful, I didn’t feel I had anything good to add. So I went the other way. I also am sending you crazy hugs right now….)

  16. Big, big hugs. I still think you’re an interesting, funny, *wonderful* person. The wedding grad on APW today said that your wedding can’t change people’s personalities. She meant it in the “so you can’t expect self-absorbed people to suddenly not be self-absorbed or the introverts to suddenly want to party” way, but I think it applies when you start off with kickass as your baseline, too. You’re kickass, Lauren. The wedding can’t change that!

  17. man I could really have used this kind of talk about 1.5 years ago. this was definitely me! I just want to send a virtual hug and echo other comments above that try to reassure you that the crazy is pretty normal (or at least common? ha), and once the day is come and gone, people stop freaking asking about your colors, and they stop demanding to look at your ring, and they stop treating you like you’re a walking circus show. and most likely, the inside of your brain will stop being a circus show (unless it was like that pre-wedding-brain, can’t help you then).

    also yeah, blog will be ok during wedding craziness! we’re here to read what you want to share. if you don’t particularly want to share anything, we’ll be here when you come back.

  18. I have to say, the most recent solo-camping trip I took is part of this. I went through the same thing during the wedding planning process. Everything in my life revolved around the wedding. No one ever asked me about anything else I was doing except how the wedding planning was going. Then after the wedding it was all about talking about how the wedding went. Then after that it was all, “So, how’s married life?” I, while i love my husband deeply and absolutely, was sick of everything in my life being about my relationship. I am a person too not just a fiance/wife! I needed time after the wedding planning and wedding itself to get back to myself a little bit and have things in my life be about me and not just the relationship I was in – even indirectly. Hence, the solo camping. It felt damn good.
    Sorry that wasn’t exactly relevant. But I say, just own that you’re in the trenches and know that we readers will hang out and read whatever you have to say until you’ve got a new topic, no matter what it is! We support you, Lauren šŸ™‚

  19. I love you!! I love you!! I love you!! Things are hard because they matter, don’t beat yourself up too much, it’s ok to have freak outs. You are getting married, not changing bodies, so you WILL be able to do impromptu weekends with friends and families šŸ™‚ we are not going anywhere!!

  20. Also – I’m sure it doesn’t help things that you’re working on the side for a wedding blog. You’re getting like twice as inundated with weddingness.

  21. YES. It’s astounding how wedding planning seems to magnify emotions, particularly the insane juxtaposition of having completely opposing emotions occur nearly simultaneously [caring so much and hating yourself for caring, and on] .

    The past couple of days I had the briefest of peeks into what life will be like after: I read a book! I went clothes shopping with no agenda! Oh dear god, I CANNOT wait. You are SO close, and I’m so glad for you! šŸ™‚

  22. *pats head* There, there.

    I’ve never commented here before, but I read your blog often and I am here to tell you (like everyone else) that it will be alright. This is coming from a girl just two months past her own wedding, so I know it to be true.

    Your wedding will threaten to eat your life and if you let it a little, that’s ok, because it’s a huge, big force and we all understand. Also, you’re only marrying Kamel once and it IS exciting and don’t let anyone (even yourself!) tell you it’s not ok to feel exactly what you’re feeling when you’re feeling it. As long as your actions aren’t totally destructive to yourself and others, just let it happen. You’re only getting to live this experience the one time and if it’s what you want to think and write and talk about, then do it. Because in just a little while, you’ll have new things to think and write and talk about and you’ll never get this time back.

    PS: The tantalizing snapshots of your wedding dress make me swoon. šŸ™‚

  23. Still here! Still reading! Still love you! And I totally get this feeling… just you wait… you’ll be back to normal in no time. And in the meantime? ENJOY all this weddingness and love and shared joy… because, well, you only go through this once and you should enjoy it, not feel bad about it!

  24. Yes. This is huge. This, all here, is giant. It’s okay to know it is and that there are about a jillion things pulling and pushing at you from all directions. Hugs.

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