Engagement: 3/4 Done

We have a little over 2 months left until the wedding and the details are all coming along swimmingly. We’ve finished pre-cana (Wee!), the bridesmaids have their dresses, Kamel’s chosen a tux, the invites are being sent out this weekend, things are humming along. And I am super excited for how everything is turning out. That’s the good news.

The bad news is, nothing ever goes the way I think it will. Not that things have been messed up or we’ve had major disasters, just that every time I anticipate how a scenario will go, I’m wrong. Every time I start writing a new story, a new book, etc, I wish I could name it Great Expectations because that might be the best title in history, apply-able to all things, to all desires, to all let downs. You think something will go one way and it doesn’t. Womp.

With wedding planning it is no different. The items I believed would be easy, no conflict items, have turned out to be massively conflicted. The things that people are excessively worked up over are things I would have bet my life would have had no bearing on my wedding. The people who I thought would be easiest to include in the wedding, have, at times, turned out to be the most difficult. Everything turns on its head, and suddenly I am left a mess.

I think you get hints of this at the beginning of engagement. Whispers on the wind, if you will. But anything I thought was hard before this point was a cake walk. This is the time and space where The Event of it takes over, and the fact that this is an emotional experience, that this is a ceremony and celebration and not simply an extravagant party can get lost in the shuffle. The things that matter now, will not matter then. I know this, and yet… and yet.

I have to be honest and tell you that this is the most emotionally difficult thing I have ever gone through. Lately I have to remind myself all of the time that it will be worth it, that the awful parts will melt away and be forgotten in the coming months, that I can just get through these next two months and everything will be better for it, but it’s hard.

And that’s where I’m at right now. It is hard. There are tears, and crammed schedules, There is confusion and hurt and frustration and let down. There are all sorts of bad feelings and all kinds of waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel. 2 months and 13 days and then we can move on from this.

29 thoughts on “Engagement: 3/4 Done”

  1. I am so with you. My fiance and I are the same amount out (we are the 17th, I’m guessing y’all are the 16th! weeeeee for mid-July!) and I am a little miserable. This weekend we went out to the beach where we are getting married and tied down some small things, took amazing engagement photos, spied on a reception at our venue, were reassured by our venue coordinator over lots of things, went over vows (hello, crying) and had an overall lovely time. Then we got back and walked into bridesmaids fighting. And yeah, crap, we can’t iPod DJ we need a DJ DJ. Still need to finalize the rehearsal lunch. Haven’t finished dealing with our centerpieces. Etc, etc. It makes me so tired and makes me kind of loathe all of it. Which in turn makes me incredibly guilty that our wedding has become this “thing” that I want to be over with. I’m so glad to know I’m not the only one.

    Stay strong, sister. Like Dori says from Finding Nemo, just keep swimming….(or drinking)

    1. Yes.

      And until then, you have the rest of us here for virtual hugs, hair stroking and hand holding.
      We’re also available to plot the downfall of anyone who might hinder the “Lauren + Kamel 4 Eva” project. I sense that Meghan is an excellent organizer, and I’ll make t-shirts and snacks.

        1. And I can talk to people post beatdown and magically (collaboratively) help them realize that whatever they’re squawking about is about THEM and to quit putting it on YOU.

          It’s just a skill I have. No big deal. And I (almost) always use it for good and not for evil.

  2. Totally know the feeling. Engagements are so uniquely painful in a way because of all the conflict and emotion that inevitably rises to the surface out of places (and from people) you would never have expected it to. But a few months after your (spectacular) wedding, the bad will fade and the good will be what’s left. Just two more months!

  3. I hear you. I’m torn between wanting these two months to fly by, and to take forever. So much to do, but so ready for the dramaz to be over.

  4. Ohhh, Lauren. *hugs* The week before my wedding was easily the worst week of my life (we are talking SHIT TONS of drama), so your post really resonates with me. But we’re four months post-wedding and the drama does end. Yes there are scars, and still some bitterness about all that happened, but being married makes it completely and utterly worth it.

    Good luck, stay strong, and if you need some internet people to lean on, you know where we are. πŸ™‚

    1. The scars are worth it? For realies? Cuz I’m trying to avoid scars. Avoid Avoid Avoid. I guess at this moment i’m struggling with the fight or flight path. I’m usually the fighter and then am in awe of those who can just keep their shit together and let it roll off their back. So, I’m trying to keep it all classy, but… I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing or where the line is…

      1. didn’t make it magically all better, but I’m just happy it’s over. I actually am one of those people who avoid conflict and let stuff roll off my back, and the drama was instigated by my in-laws which left me in an awkward situation. (It’s way easier to be aggressive with your own family, for me at least.) It was a really complex situation, involving lots of threats and awful money dynamics which I can’t really go into here, but if you want to talk about it via email or gchat or something, I’d be happy to. (I find it therapeutic, actually.)

        1. Damn, the first part of my comment got eaten. I was trying to say that it was worth it in the sense that we’re MARRIED now, woot. But it shouldn’t have happened, and I kick myself that it did. Some people did some really awful things that made me lose all trust in them. So it’s not OKAY that it happened, and having the wedding didn’t make it magically better, but I’m just glad it’s over.

  5. Oh yes, I remember this. Just know, lady, it DOES get better … and you’ll forget about it all soon enough. And as cliche as it sounds …. it IS worth it, in the end.

    Did I ever tell you about my shoe debacle? Seriously, it’s the epitome of stupid-little-thing-turning-into-something-huge. I had a pair of chocolate brown shoes I wanted to wear. My mother and sister were NOT having that. It turned into 3 months of knock-down fights and WAAAAAAAY mroe angst than any pair of shoes has a right to cause. Even with the actual SERIOUS issues our wedding brought up, stupid stuff like this kept getting in the way and making the stress worse.

    We’ve all been (or will be) there, lady. And we’re all here for you. Massive hugs, whenever you need them, ok? Hair petting/shoulders to cry on/beat downs as needed. And beers. Because we love you. =)

    1. That is AMAZING. It makes me feel both good and massively frustrated that other people go through so much stupid shit over tiny details. What. The. Fuck. Jeez.

  6. God, great expectations IS the best title ever. Especially for weddings. There are every kind of expectation that exists when it comes to a wedding. Cultural expectations, weight expectations, family expectations, fantasy expectations, beauty expectations, coolness expectations, religious expectations, every kind. It’s a heavy time. And “this too shall pass” is something I told myself all the time during the engagement. That time in my life was the hardest ever and I have been through some seriously heavy stuff. It’s going to be ok, even if that just means that at some point it will just be “over.” You can do it!!

    1. But did you confront those issues? I’ve been doing my best NOT to confront them in the hopes of keeping this happy and keeping the memory of my wedding happy and not “well, do you remember the DRAMA though?!” And that’s what I’m struggling with the most right now.

      1. Honestly? I tried so hard to avoid those issues, it made it worse. I was scared of being a “bridezilla” so I was like “oh everything’s fine, no drama here!” the whole time, and it actually made it worse for me. At least, more difficult to process. If I could do it over again, I would have admitted to myself that there was drama in certain places and just let myself be in it and deal with it truthfully instead of fighting it. That way I didn’t hold it all in until the end. I don’t know if that’s at all what you are dealing with, but that was my experience. I don’t think anyone gets away with No Drama for their wedding. I think — only people with a ton of money and perfect families get to look back at the planning process and think of nothing but happy memories. There will be happy memories no matter if there is some drama or not.

        1. I think β€” only people with a ton of money and perfect families get to look back at the planning process and think of nothing but happy memories.

          I totally don’t believe those people exist. I know a lot of people who have a lot of money and who seem to have the perfect family, but most of them are just quieter about their drama. As one of those people says, “Families are just too big not to have some crazies.” I repeat this as a mantra to myself sometimes.

  7. Oh Lauren, I can not think of something to say to you that has not been said above, but do know that I am sending you a virtual hug and that everything will turn out for the best, even when it is different than you thought.
    Little anecdote… we had planned a “kids table” with crayons, coloring books, play doh, bubbles and had everything ready to be set in place in a specific box. Mark went to the restaurnt specifically on the morning of our wedding, before the ceremony to give the final indications, included the setting up of this thing. For whatever reason, it was forgotten and never happened, and I was a bit disappointed. But about a month after the wedding a colleague from work was organizing a trip to Brazil where he would setup a cinema + entertainment for the kids in the amazons with an NGO he heped found, and he was looking for this kind of stuff, so our “unused” toys and supplies were sent to some kids and hopefully made them happy .
    Are you finally going to have a photobooth ?

    1. No. womp. I let the photo booth idea die. It was just too expensive and too much trouble. But now we have more honey moon money so I feel ok about the decision. πŸ™‚

  8. I am a couple weeks further away than you (3 months to go as of this Thursday!), and haven’t yet settled into panic mode. But we’ve also been largely ignoring our to-do list because a million other things have been more immediately pressing, so I’m anticipating a frantic bunch of weeks ahead. The drama has begun, though. I am sending you so many good vibes!

  9. I just recently made it through all of this and I had to comment because it still feels so fresh. Your point about wanting to “move on” sums up everything I was feeling in the weeks before the wedding. And almost a month later, I am SO happy to just be returning to a (new, married) normal. Whether or not you sit back and say that the scars/drama/tears were worth it, the tunnel does, in fact, end. When I was in the point you are now, I posted a comment on APW about feeling lower than low and someone said “just think about how you can keep doing anything for five more minutes” (like a marathon?). And that helped a tad, so maybe it will help you. (hugs)

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