Zombie Fortress

Yesterday was intense for me. I held my breath almost all day. First hoping people would engage, and then later hoping that I didn’t scare away all my lovely readers. (Come back, please?)

Also yesterday I stared at the title of the post “Aliens” on and off as it popped up on my wordpress back end (bootylicous) and suddenly remembered – like a lightening bolt struck me in the forehead – that all Sunday night I kept dreaming about zombies. (Obvious leap from aliens to zombies, right?)

All. Night. Long. So many zombie attacks. I woke up 3 times and each time I fell back asleep they were waiting for me. We were being overrun, we were trying to find a suitable hiding place, we were beating them back. It was horrible and scary and I woke up with that icky bad dream feeling again and again. Finally, on the 3rd time waking up from the bad dream I told Kamel “I CAN’T STOP DREAMING ABOUT ZOMBIES!!” and he replied (in sleepy Kamel voice), “Just build a fortress,” as he rolled over and fell back asleep. So with all my might I tried my best to fall back asleep thinking of a zombie fortress where I could finally be safe.

And I totally built it, you guys… in my mind … It’s a giant tower made of cement and then covered in sheets of steel because zombies have super human pain thresholds since they’re dead, and can scale ridiculous buildings with their pinkies if they want to. Hence the steel. The steel sheets will make it slippery, and also impervious to bashings.

So I built my fortress and it still wasn’t 100% satisfying because my dream was still scary and yuck. And then the alarm went off. Gah. And when I woke up I was absolutely convinced that we needed to make plans for the impending zombie attack. It may not happen tomorrow, it may not happen in 10 years, but at some point, somewhere they will develop that virus that gives us all the rage and an insatiable appetite for brains.

Kamel, obviously, thought I was fucking crazy and refused to concoct a contingency plan, a real life contingency plan, in case the world was overrun. All morning I was adamant that we should take this seriously. and then it kind of morphed into my End of The World survival plan. Because in case the cities completely meltdown from disease and global warming and nuclear disasters, I was all for heading to the hills of Montana and camping out in nature (assuming nature still existed). So therefore, we should sign up for survival classes and possibly invest in some tent like structure.

Kamel didn’t like this idea. He said it is cold in Montana and we would die. So therefore, we should head south to where it is warm. This made me feel better because he was no longer mocking me, but, instead, I had lured him into the crazy of my own mind with the promise of adventure! So we decided that in case of the apocalypse, we will be heading down south, where it is warm, and living on the beach somewhere for the rest of our lives. Who’s with me?

As for the zombies, I think we’re fucked.

34 thoughts on “Zombie Fortress”

  1. heeeeheheheheh love it! yep if the zombie apocalypse actually happens, we’re just screwed. there’s no real survival plan for that. but I will totessss join you on the beach if I survive the End of Days or whatever.

    I hate those dreams though, that you can’t get out of even if you wake up, it just comes right back! and of course they’re never AWEsome dreams, they’re always horrifying. when that happens I usually try breathing exercises and just force myself to think of happy things. works maybe half the time….

  2. We go over earthquake plans for escape which are pretty similar to zombie attack plans, I reckon. Maybe an island would be best. I have never seen a zombie swim, have you?

  3. He wasn’t into your End of Days plan?! I mean you need to plan. That’s just the responsible thing to do.

    Good work on the sheets of steel, next time maybe also barbed wire? might catch their raggedy clothing and stop their advance.

    Too good.

  4. no, no, you were right – go to Montana! The zombies will freeze during the winter, so you’ll have some reprieve. Also, arm yourself with a long axe or something to smash its head in, that’s how you do it. As for islands? Totally fucked. Zombies don’t breathe to the ocean just means they walk slower, but they will turn up. I just finished World War Z (same guy who wrote Zombie Survival Guide), and I am SO GLAD TO BE DONE WITH ZOMBIES. Till the Walking Dead comes back that is. I have zombie dreams all the time, and they are just awful. I feel you. We are totally fucked.

    1. I don’t know why I feel like being all enthusiastic about the fact that we’re fucked. My first reaction was “RIGHT?!!! I KNEW IT!” but that just seems… missplaced.

  5. See, i’d do something like in I am Legend (or whatever that movie was with Will Smith), and a) build a gigantic fortress, and b) build it in a place that is fertile (i.e. NOT arizona) so i can grow my own food and subsist off the land.

    Two thoughts though: 1) i don’t think zombies have climbing power. They are too awkward and stagger-y and stuff. 2) what about zombie ANIMALS?! Can you imagine how fucked we’d be if zombie seagulls started dive-bombing us?

    braaaaaaains

  6. I totally vote for heading somewhere south and warm in case of a zombie apocalypse. Besides, zombies can’t swim, right? Hey, you could wait out the zombie mess in a boat!

  7. Omg! I LOVE this post! Mostly because Ive had the SAME exact thought process on more than one occasion. And Chad totally goes with it. Esp the end of the world plan. Zombieland is one of our FAVE movies to watch over and over….but they give me dreams! And in that movie Bill Murray poses as a zombie…. And it worked up until the gang came right?! I would totally do that in the event of a zombie apocolypse! Haha! πŸ™‚

  8. oh man, carrie is SO right. my boyf is a zombie-enthisast (do we call them that? he’s not really ‘enthusiastic’ about them, just highly concerned and very much prepared for the impending attack). according to him, zombies will freeze (not die, just freeze until the thaw out…scary) and they can exist under water (as illustrated in WWZ) which rules out islands, boats, subs, etc. north is a safer option, and deserted north is even better, and towers with slippery steel plates and barbed wire will complete the package.

    it’s a little gross to me how much i’ve learned about zombies from the boyf. but ‘i am legend’ and ‘the walking dead’ have me terrified and i’d be lying if i said i wasn’t psyched that i have my own version of andrew lincoln/will smith.

  9. So, remember that FB meme going around a couple months ago that said the first 5 people on your friend list were those you were with during the Zombie Apocalypse?

    Well, I just got (I swear I did not rig this!) you, Kamel, Skye (the best), Dustin (her guy), and Eric (a friend). Poor poor husband, he gets left out to be zombie food.

    As for us … I think we win. That team is AMAZING. Bring it.

  10. I don’t get the zombie fascination. I don’t really find them to be that scary. Aren’t zombies slow and stupid? And you can always see them coming. But I’m not that scared of supernatural scary things. (Unless they were on “Buffy,” and then maybe. Like those FREAKY guys who stole voices? Now THAT is scary!)

    But disease? Or a deadly virus being released on a civilian population? That’s up there on my list of worst nightmares. I’ll join you somewhere southern and isolated when that happens!

    1. um, fyi, those voiceless guys on buffy? UBER creepy. i would walk around with one of those computers that talk all of the time.

  11. My number one fear in life, no ferrealz, is the zombie apocalpypse. I am POSITIVE that it is going to happen. I can’t even watch funny zombie movies. Once, my friends pretended to be zombies in a dark parking lot, and even though I knew it was them, I totally cried. I don’t run very fast. Also I get flustered under pressure. So my plan for WHEN it happens is to build a fire, and shoot myself onto it. That way I won’t be a zombie OR zombie food.

    Yes. It’s grim. Very very grim. But I’m trying to be realistic here.

  12. one – i dream of building protective fortresses against a lot of things…and you fully described it perfectly…it’s not even soothing when it’s built, because you’re still fucking scared of whatever you’re fending off.

    also. can i tell you. isaiah’s dad has a real-life contingency plan…against 2012.
    no joke.

    1. Um, fill me on on the deets!!! I know it’s kooky, and I’ve said it before, but a part of me really feels like the end of the world is upon us. Sigh. If only I didn’t listen to the voices so much…. πŸ˜‰

  13. I invite everyone to come to Texas if you’re on the warm beach plan. I have a small plot of land near the coast where we can camp out, and Stephen knows how to make beer so…Zombie Apocalypse Beach Party?!

    1. And what are you doing on 12/21/12? πŸ™‚

      I kid.

      Kind of.

      I seriously have a plan to have a plan by then.

      But I think we can all take the zombies. As long as they’re not runners…

  14. I’ve never thought about a zombie contingency plan, because I know for a fact my boyfriend has one figured out. And he’s rather serious about it. I figure, I don’t need to know the details, I’ll just stick with him when the zombies hit.

    I DO think it involves a mountaintop. I’d prefer somewhere warm, but hey, I’m not the one planning our survival.

  15. I’ve been into zombies for a long time–the first thing I do whenever I move is scope out the best place to go. My current plan is to barricade myself inside of a WalMart. There’s guns, food, and plenty of things to use for defense/survival. This plan was concocted when I lived in Montana (there is still nature, but it won’t be much good when all of the animals are zombies too–we must be prepared for cross-species pollination!), and has remained the best thing I can come up with. My house would be boned. I like the idea of going South for warmth, because we have no idea what the zombie disruption will do to the weather. I want to stay inland though, because there might be tsunamis.

  16. This cracks me up. I’m not a fan of the fast scary 28 days type of zombies, I’m more into the Sean of the Dead slow ambling types. I have a few good entertaining zombie reads for you:

    The Forest of Hands and Teeth

    Zombies vs. Unicorns

  17. i so have this dream for a reason. last night was the third time…..im coming up with a contingency plan of my own. heehee. the real life mila jovovich!!!

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