*Sorry about the Monday no-post. We had technical difficulties in BetterInRealLife blog land. But now we’re back! Hooray! This is going to be quite the week.
Every once in a while I realize I’ve found a brand new anxiety to add to my list. Just when I think I’ve squashed one, another rears its ugly head, and for the past year I’ve really struggled with “being left out.”
I don’t want to miss anything. I don’t want to be excluded. And I don’t want to be pushed to the back of the room. It doesn’t just upset me, it freaks me out. It keeps me up at night. It threatens to keep me from doing social activities. What if I’m left out? What if I’m ignored? What if no one comes? What if everyone is at a thing and they forgot (or even on purpose) to invite me? To cope with this anxiety I say yes to everything.
And this royally effs me up. I exhaust myself, I forget to take time to do quiet things, to do me things, to do alone things. I cram as much as I can into my weekend because there are the things I HAVE TO do and then their are the things I feel socially compelled to do (and want to do). This last weekend was one of those times I was completely overbooked. Did I have an AMAZING time? Yes. Did I do things I am proud of? Yes. Did I make stronger friendships with fabulous women? Hell yes.
But you know what else I did? I laid awake nearly all Saturday night having a massive panic attack (leaving me nauseous and sleepless). I had to prop myself up on pillows and Kamel had to put his hand on my chest to soothe me. I would doze and have dreams where the day’s events were replaying in my mind over and over again. I wwas jerked awake by panic and my stomach turning. I sipped water, I woke up Kamel again and again. And then Sunday? I really was sick. Just a head cold, but even then I couldn’t stop. We had wedding errands, and birthday shopping downtown (supposed to be fun, and it was… except for the part where I was sick and exhausted), and grocery shopping and laundry. By the time we got home I collapsed on the couch, a sick mess. And then, poof, Monday was here and I had to head off to work.
I don’t have any fix for this at the moment. I keep telling myself I’ll have more time after the wedding, but I know the truth is I’ll just find something else to keep my calendar stacked. Because, it’s not just events I don’t want to be left out of, it’s also life. I have a lot of guilt when I feel like I’m wasting time or not using my day to the best of my abilities. Even though I know that to be healthy and happy I need to also have down time, the guilt wins. So, I guess for now, if I do say no to something, it doesn’t mean I don’t want to hang out, it doesn’t mean I don’t to make you a solid priority, it’s because I’m trying keep my anxiety in check, and trying to keep myself from giving into fear based behavior. Sigh. It’s a journey.