Remember a few weeks ago when I had my birth control hijacked? I wrote that after only a few weeks on a different BC that had me totally wackadoo. I was anxious, twitchy, sad, uncertain about every decision I had ever made in life, angry, and filled with guilt. At first I recognized it completely as a hormonal issue. I understood that the drastic mood swings and my chronic PMS was totally and completely due to outside influence. So, I scheduled an appointment with the doc, and had my BC switched back.
But by that time I was already into my second month of the evil pills, so I thought I would just finish them out and start my new (old) ones on my next cycle. Well, after 6 weeks of feeling like a crazy person, of sobbing to Kamel nearly every day, of questioning my existence as a rational human being, I started to feel like all of this emotional turmoil was real. What if I really did find Kamel to be utterly and completely annoying? What if I really did have all of this rage bundled up inside me regarding the bulk of humanity? What if this was the real Lauren? I am not even exaggerating when I say this – these hormones threatened my relationship. If, in the beginning, I felt like a crazy person, after 6 weeks I felt like the crazy was beginning to be my normal.
I remember this clearly. I was at work, talking to Alyssa through the gmail and telling her how I was so incredibly unstable and how I could not continue with this very much longer. I was a wreck! And she was agreeing and sympathizing and telling me it was totally the BC and how that happened to her once and it was awful, and basically every normal person sane thing that really did make me feel better. And suddenly it hit me – I had to stop taking these goddamn pills immediately. Screw the waiting for my cycle to finish, starting right that minute, I was no longer taking them. I had 1 more week left on the evil crazy makers and I couldn’t imagine going one more day. Done.
I told Kamel I had stopped taking them before the time was right and he was very confused that I had the ability to start and stop my period like one turns on a faucet. Oh we women and our voodoo vaginas! He was convinced I was going to make myself sick, or explode, or something. What happened instead was I stopped feeling homicidal, and I was able to have my rational (as rational as I get, anyway) self back.
It wasn’t until a few weeks had gone by and Kamel and I were in LA, basking in some sunshine, when I realized how at peace I was, and how not at peace I had been. Too much estrogen makes Lauren crazy, but normal Lauren is actually fairly calm, fairly happy and content, and it was like a true breath of fresh air. It’s amazing how quickly something out of the ordinary can begin to feel “normal” even when it’s not.
So, I wanted to let you know. Things got bad there for a while, but now they are completely, beautifully fixed. And I cannot express how grateful I am to not feel like shit anymore. Being normal is a fantastic thing.