This is Not a Euphemism

When I was in college, living with the one and only Amy Sass, I lived two doors down from a gas station/mini mart. This is where I would to buy cookies, dots, and sometimes Mike’s Hard Lemonade (Don’t judge! I was barely 21!). I walked everywhere and would pass this gas station maybe 3, 4, 5 times a day depending on how much I had to do. And every time I would go and wander around, decided which bag of cookies to get, I always saw the refrigerated sandwiches in their plastic cartons and the hot dogs rolling on the warmers, and giant pickles in individual plastic bags, swimming in their own pickle juice. And I always, always wondered – who bought these things? Who?

Then, I wrote a story in my advanced (ha!) fiction class where a man, distraught and angry at his wife’s untimely death that had now left him (alone) with a baby girl who looks FRUSTRATINGLY like her, he punches a cow in the face. This does nothing but hurt his hand. And while he is seeking out said cow, he stops for gas. And while in the mini mart, he runs across a giant pickle in a bag. The other students in the class commented on the pickle in a bag. The detail! Oh the detail! And they had seen that pickle in that bag before and wow, yes, they too did not know anyone who had eaten it.

Now then, remember when I told that story about breaking into Claire’s landlord’s house? And how I mentioned that Claire is totally awesome and went with me to Disneyland? After a horrible break up? Well yes, I did have a horrible breakup in 2007 and I needed something, anything, to look forward to, and of course Maris – the do-er of the world – found us a package deal to Disneyland and California Adventure on the cheap. So down we flew, right around Halloween, and did the Disney.

And what did we find all over Disney Land? In faux barrels? In carts? In every single Land? A pickle in a bag. And Churros. But that’s a different story. At first we scoffed at the pickle in a bag. I mean, really DisneyLand? This is the snack of choice? Not fruit by the foot or popcorn? But a Giant pickle? In individually wrapped bags? But then, by day two, their marketing began to call to us. They were every where. And so crisp and refreshing looking. How could they not be delicious? Claire finally bit… the bullet.

My first reaction was WHAT?! REALLY? The pickle in the bag? Granted, these were less “swimming in their own juices” looking than the gas station pickles. But really? We’re doing this now? This is a thing?

Oh yes. Claire ate the ENTIRE giant pickle, while I waited, laughing, and taking photos to later humiliate her with on the internet (hi claire!). Because the giant pickle had come full circle, and that was something I needed to document.

And then we went on splash mountain.

Oh yes. That’s me second from the front holding on for dear life…. and that’s Claire. πŸ™‚

25 thoughts on “This is Not a Euphemism”

  1. OH THANK GOD its the pickle story!!! I need a reminder of stories like this every now and then to keep my sanity…

    and disney is the promised land.

  2. oh man, lauren, isaiah comments on the pickle in a bag every day. I literally never go a day without hearing about those freaking pickles. I can’t even look at them ever since a chick at my old work used to use them (like sexy-baby-talk-but-inherently-dumb girls use bananas) to seduce the guys all around. Grossest looking, grossest smelling memory I have to date of work. Sounds like a bitchin’ time though, glad you guys got to Disney!

  3. Dude, *I* buy those pickles in a bag! And they are crispily delicious!

    I won’t judge you for the Mike’s Hard Lemonade (Come on now, I’m barely 21 and I don’t consider it an excuse :P) if you won’t judge me for the pickles.

  4. YES! Disney AND pickles? Win win win.

    For what it’s worth .. the individual plastic bags creep me the eff out. I will gladly take a giant pickle from a giant barrel and nom, but an individual plastic bag?!

    The gyspy in me (for reals!) revolts at your silly notion of sanitary food.

    The holding-on-for-dear-life makes me giggle. I once, somehow, made it all the way under the front of the log (before they got those silly individual seat dividers) before the picture was taken. True story.

    1. oh god, right? This picture totally explains the differences in claire and I. She is like WAHOO!!! And I am eyes squeezed shut, gripped the sides of the log so hard you couldn’t pry me loose. haha

  5. Also. Mikes. Which happens to be in my fridge right now, next to the Guiness.

    What? We have random tastes. And sometimes those tastes run to teenage-style drinking.

  6. GAH, pickles in a bag…. Although that Disney pickle in a bag looks like a fancy version of the gas station one. Like what the gas station ones wanted to be, but they just got old and brownish and now laungish in Allsup’s and 7-11’s.

    Although, I shouldn’t talk because it’s only been this last year that I’ve even eaten pickles at all. I used to call them old salty cucumbers…
    I now know the error of my ways. I love pickles.
    Except those in a bag.

  7. ok I feel a bit crazy but what are you guys talking about?? pickles in bags? I seem to have missed this mini mart phenomenon.

    but I love pickles and probably would totally buy one if I saw one.

    1. You aren’t the only one . . . I don’t think I’ve ever seen a pickle in a bag.

      Also. Was her name really Amy Sass?? Because I want to change my last name to that. Immediately.

  8. I bought one of those Pickles at Safeway in a moment of inebriation. I opened the bag and thought “THIS IS THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER DONE” and then I bit into the pickle and thought “THIS IS THE WORST THING I HAVE EVER DONE”…the pickle was so soggy and not crisp I almost cried!

    Moral of my comment? Don’t drunkenly buy a pickle at 4am in the Safeway in the Castro…

  9. I love, love, love dill pickles. I’ve never bought one from the convenient mart, but I’ve been known to buy a pickle from a jar at Potbelly.

    I’ve also been known to eat so many pickles that I get a bellyache. Pickles and wintergreen lifesavers. I just don’t know when to stop!

    1. I LOVE PICKLES TOO. There was a bar in college who served the greatest a la carte pickles and my friend Lauren Mig and I would go there for lunch just to fill our little burger basket with a heafty side of pickles. Ridiculous. And awesome.

  10. So, no judging on the Mike’s Hard Lemonade from me. It was among my drinks of choice when I was young and stupid and didn’t know any better. πŸ™‚ Remember Hooch? I used to drink that sh*t on special at one of my college bars of choice – $1 honey brown pints, and $1.75 bottles of Hooch. Gross.

  11. Allison’s comment wins as best comment ever. Liberal use of all caps is perfection in the right story.

    And this story reminds me of my 7th grade band lock in. We had a contest where you had to pull a mystery food from a bag and eat it…it was like a team relay race. I told my team I would eat anything but pickles. So of course, I get the most giant pickle ever. I managed to get the whole thing inside my mouth and tagged my team mate, and then spit the entire thing into a garbage can. I will not consume pickle!

    My story is also unintentionally euphemistic.

  12. Ooohhhhhhhhh my goodness!!!!! I can’t even tell you how much I LOVE my presence on your blog lately πŸ™‚ it bakes me feel like I’m freaking AT Disneyland!!!

    PICKLE!!!! It as a delicious pickle, I’ll tell ya that πŸ™‚

  13. Oh man, the pickle. I too think those are disgusting but at school they sell them at that concession stand at football games. I see kids eating them all of the time. Just wrong if you ask me. I do not understand why anyone would want to buy a gas station pickle in the first place. I guess I’m just a Kosher dill snob.

  14. I’m way behind on the blog and just saw this now. Miss that gas station and everything being within walking distance! And oh that apartment, I’ll never have as good of one.

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