Lately I’ve been frustrated. Swallowing my desire to punch people in the faces, and briskly walking into the bedroom to stop myself from snapping at Kamel. Or snapping at Kamel and snapping at Kamel and hounding and nitpicking and frustrating and annoying myself with my massive aggravation towards the entire universe, a universe that lies within 5 feet of me. Aggravation that lands mostly on Kamel, since he is the most frequent visitor to this universe.
His singing annoys me.
How slow he walks annoys me.
How he washes the dishes annoys me.
His feet at night annoy me.
His hair, his smile, his inability to get mad at me when I am being a total bitch. It all annoys me. It makes me want to scream and throw myself onto the bed and writhe like a 3 year old and puff out my cheeks until my face is purple.
I’ve been this way for a week now and it’s wearing on me. It’s exhausting holding all of this frustration in, letting it out, trying to push it aside. And Sunday morning, while putting groceries away, while we were both hungry and cranky, he went to take the garbage to the shoot, down the hall, and when he walked out the door I locked the dead bolt behind him and I felt… relief. I could lock that door and I didn’t have to let him in if I didn’t want to. He could knock and knock and knock and there I would be, smug on the other side. Until he just unlocked the door because he has is very own key, to the apartment that we share. Our apartment, our home. So I shoved the door shut and held it with my foot saying, “NO.” I was acting stupid and Kamel allowed me, for a moment, to do so. Until he said, “Lauren. You’re going to break the door. Open it.” And I did.
And then we went into the kitchen where I told him “You annoy me. You frustrate me. I hate how you walk so slowly and how much you whine!” And he replied back, “Well I hate how much YOU whine!” And I said, “No one. NO ONE whines as much as you. EVER!!” And wow, we were really getting somewhere. And after that I just stood in the kitchen, facing him, the bags of groceries 1/2 undone on the counter, until he hugged me, and I put my face in his neck and gave him little kisses on the space that doesn’t grow stubble. And I said, “I choose you, no matter how annoyed I am, I always choose you.”
That afternoon we went to a movie and in the middle of the movie he turned to me and said, “Hey! She has your smile.” And I said, “What?” And he said, “Your smile, she has it. You do that same little smile.” And he looked at me with love eyes. And right there in the movie theater, looking at Kamel and not the movie, I cried. Not a big cry, just a little one. Because, sometimes, there are moments where you break out of all that ickyness, when all of that floats away, and all you see is how incredibly loved you are and how much you love that other person and it’s overwhelming. Sometimes in the middle of a funny movie, you just have to cry – a little bit, not a lot – because it’s so amazing that you chose each other and still choose each other every single day no matter how much of a bitch you’ve been.