I have a confession. When I was in high school and college I didn’t really care about people not liking me. I cared if people were mean to me, but if someone didn’t like me I figured I wouldn’t like them much either so nothing was lost there. I’ve been called blunt, or told I say things out loud that the rest of people just think and never say. This can be seen as awesome or incredibly obnoxious. The thing is, I don’t always notice when I do it. My filter isn’t as thick as other peoples. Sometimes I just blurt something out and then everyone laughs and I wonder why.
But in recent years, I’ve learned to keep my mouth shut (this has happened slowly and I’m sure not everyone has noticed), maybe not completely, but let’s just say it’s an improvement. I’m doing my best to play a grownup and to be seen as kind and gracious instead of troublesome. But now I’ve found myself a little choked by fear. I don’t want to upset anyone ever. I’m terrified of being seen as the friend who causes all of the drama, or the one who gets the most silent eye rolls. If you upset me? I don’t want to share it. If I don’t agree? I think I’ll just keep that to myself and scream into my pillow. I want to please others more than myself and I really, really care what people think of me. Having a blog is a special kind of exercise in keeping my sanity when it comes to this – lemme tell ya.
I angst over the decisions I make with wedding planning, with who I invite where, with making sure to keep everyone included so no one has hurt feelings and no one is left out. Everyone must remember everyone else’s birthday, I want to make sure my best friends don’t hurt each others feelings so that no one is upset. My main goal has become keeping the peace. I must remember to be thoughtful and go above and beyond for my friends spread out across the country. And this? This has sent me into total paralysis. The book I was supposed to send you? Is still on my counter. The beer gift basket I wanted to ship you for Christmas and didn’t have enough money to? Still weighing on my mind. Emails go unwritten because I am too overwhelmed with all of the other details of my life.
How did this become such a thing? I have guilt over things I’m sure no one even notices! But I do. I care, and I don’t know how to NOT care. And this is my confession. I don’t want people not to like me, and even though I KNOW that not being the best person in the world will not make people dislike me, and even if they do who gives a shit? I can’t help but feel worried and pressured. And I’m not sure how this became me and how to quit it, cuz it sucks.