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Posts made in November, 2010

I’m Being Overrun Pt. 1

The ants. (or as my phone lovingly calls them, the Aunts) I am being swallowed whole and devoured. You’ve either heard me talking about this, or have seen snippets of it on twitter, so I thought it only right to spell it all out on my blog. First it started with my car. No… that’s not right. First there was was storm for a weekend in San Francisco while I was in Chicago.

Kamel said at one point my entire car was covered in tree. Like my champagne (oo lala) colored car was completely brown. I shrugged at this when he picked me up from the airport and picked at the pine needles trapped under my wind shield wipers, and the next day I drove my car to work. Two days later I saw an ant crawling around my window, so I rolled it down and flicked it out. The end. I did wonder though, “how did that ant get in here? And god I hope it wasn’t ON me.” Then the next day I saw two more and I thought, “wow that’s weird, I wonder if a few came in on my shoe…” and forgot about it, again. And a day goes by with no ant related incidences, and another day passes and Kamel has the car, and finally it’s Friday and Kamel and I get into the car and there are ants all over the the place where my E-Brake sits and I say something about it and Kamel says “That’s weird, there were some in your car yesterday that I killed.” And now I’m weirded out because what the eff? Where are they coming from? There is no food in here and they just keep coming and coming. So we run to do errands and when we get back into the car, there are even MORE ants, but this time all along the runner boards by the doors. So we stomp on them and then when we park back at home, I lift the hood to see what is going on in the engine, what if there is a nest or something? And when I look I see ants running all around the engine, the battery, regardless of how hot it was in there, they are sprinting along like they own the bitch.

And of course, because we are awesome, we end up locking our keys in the car. So now we have ants in the car, with our keys, and no way to get into our apartment. Fuck.

Once we did get into the apartment we vowed to buy spray, get traps, we researched online, we were having this shit handled. Of course, we got distracted at home, became caught up in other projects, and once we finally made it INSIDE it was kind of hard to work up the gumption to go back outside. Then the next was the Halloween Party and the ants were less, they seemed to be dissipating (Kamel joked that they choked on all my glitter). And on Sunday they were even less, Monday too.  They weren’t completely gone, but I could handle one or two, what’s a little ant, really?

And then the following Thursday I was waiting for Kamel to get out of work. I sat in my car, listening to the radio and leaning my leg against my door, playing Angry Birds. First, one ant crawled over my pants, and this irked me, so I rolled down the window and flicked it off. Then another, and another and soon I was too distracted to play my game, I was now twitchy from thinking every single thing from the corner of my eye was a bug. So I opened the door. I thought this way, I wouldn’t be leaning on the door – where the last few stragglers were trying to make their escape – and then the bugs wouldn’t crawl on me. I went back to my game.

And then I saw them… marching… in a line… in the gap between where my door hinges to the car, and the car. And they were carrying bundles of white like chunks of cracker or bits of rice. And that was it. I lept out of the car, doin’ the full on ants-in-my-pants-dance, complete with shivers and gagging noises. It’s one thing to see a lost ant crawl on you, and a whole other to see an army marching in the dark spaces of your car. Even now I just had an involuntary jerk remembering it. Awful. So I call Kamel and he answers in his cheery, happy voice, says he’s coming right down and I shriek at him about the ants and he says he’s going to grab some tools and be right down. And then I call my dad, because WHAT THE FUCK THERE ARE ANTS IN MY CAR. More than one man in my life needs to be summoned!!! And he tells me that those white things aren’t crackers or food, they are … eggs.

I wanted to die. Right there I hit a new low of grosed-outedness.

Eggs. Those ants were colonizing my car! And I was certainly not getting back in there until they were eradicated. No siree. Call this lady a cab, or an enterprise car… this is so not happening.

So when Kamel finally came out of his office carrying paper towels, we headed off to the walgreens on foot, bought spray and traps, and went back and sprayed the hell out of my car, then got into it (me on the other side of the marching ants, something that took Kamel a good 15 minutes to convince me of doing. barf) and drove home with the windows down. That night we set up ant traps on the floors and the next day: no ants.

I did, though, have to drive my car to work that next morning and I was so twitchy it’s a miracle I wasn’t pulled over or wrecked. I had visions of an army of ants suddenly pouring forth from my dashboard, wanting nothing more than to eat my a live for disrupting their calm takeover of my vehicle. I haven’t seen an ant in my car since, but I also haven’t turned on the vents yet either. I’m totally certain when I do turn them on, ant bodies (in the least) will come shooting at me full force.

But since the systematic poisoning and murder of god knows how many ants and their young, none have been spotted in my car (woo!). And you’d think that would just end the story right there wouldn’t you? But it doesn’t. Because even though I had marching ants in my car, it doesn’t even hold a candle to what we had 1 week later.

Part two tomorrow.

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Meetup!

The San Francisco APW Meetup was awesome! Thank you to all the ladies who showed up and brought food and wine. And who made those amazing bars with the marshmellow in them? We need to talk. In other news, this weekend totally sapped me and I fell asleep (albeit fitfully) at 7pm (probably the wrong choice) and therefore there is no awesome Monday blog. Regularly scheduled programming will begin again tomorrow. Once I figure out what to write…. heh. Happy (not really, go back to sleep, you deserve it) Monday!

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Fashion: This Week’s Wears

Over at Girlsgonechild (a blog I have read for YEARS and a blogger I totally, crazy person admire) Rebecca is playing a fun game that ends with a give away (free!) and I want to play. She’s doing this whole “challenge yourself to wear awesome clothes and let’s celebrate fashion” thing. It’s called “Good Wear Days” and once a week she posts a few of her normal, every day outfits. She’s on Week Three and I’ve been too shy to play until now. Seeing Rebecca’s outfits has me wishing I understood how to thrift, lusting after anthropologie legwear, and playing dress up with all of the...

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Bi-Lingual Weddings

This is the full version from the excerpt that is running on APW. Some of this was written after I sent Alyssa stuff to pick and choose from, so don’t judge. Plus we wanted to keep it more centered on language, and not bring up all of the culture stuff, but over here the two are combined, because language is culture and culture if language. Linguistically speaking (haha, get it?), the way a culture talks about things, syntax, and word choice, say mountains about their value system. But I digress… I only realized that I actually have a bi-lingual wedding when I saw the title of this question during the Ask Team Practicle review...

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I Did Not Vote

I can feel the glares. I can hear the crinkle of stickers on tshirts that I do not have. There are a ton of really amazing reasons to vote, and I think everyone should, really. I think those who are unregistered are lame and thoughtless, and that’s me judging other people when I didn’t vote on Tuesday. Yup. I went there. I’m part of the “young people who don’t vote” problem. I think? Am I still in that demographic. Oh god, I’m even a bad remember-er of statistics, and age ranges. And here is why I did not vote: I don’t feel like I live anywhere, I mean my stuff and I are in San Francisco, but...

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Who the hell is she?


Lauren

I am a writer living in Seattle and I believe that life is a grand adventure and only boring if you believe it to be. Plus! You don't need money to have fun.

I live with my husband, a photographer by education and a maker-of-video-games by trade, and a baby named gabe in an apartment on the hill.

I am romantic about most things and I cry... about almost anything. I tell stories to entertain you, I spread stories to keep you in the loop. I am not a grammar freak, but I do know how to spell it. I am exceedingly proud of my scrambled eggs and I really could eat an entire pan of cupcakes. If I met me, I would be my best friend. I tend to be irreverent.

If you would like to chat with me or see what else I'm up to you can follow me on Twitter (betterinrealife), on facebook, or email me at betterinrealife at gmail.


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