I’m Being Overrun Pt. 1

The ants. (or as my phone lovingly calls them, the Aunts) I am being swallowed whole and devoured. You’ve either heard me talking about this, or have seen snippets of it on twitter, so I thought it only right to spell it all out on my blog. First it started with my car. No… that’s not right. First there was was storm for a weekend in San Francisco while I was in Chicago.

Kamel said at one point my entire car was covered in tree. Like my champagne (oo lala) colored car was completely brown. I shrugged at this when he picked me up from the airport and picked at the pine needles trapped under my wind shield wipers, and the next day I drove my car to work. Two days later I saw an ant crawling around my window, so I rolled it down and flicked it out. The end. I did wonder though, “how did that ant get in here? And god I hope it wasn’t ON me.” Then the next day I saw two more and I thought, “wow that’s weird, I wonder if a few came in on my shoe…” and forgot about it, again. And a day goes by with no ant related incidences, and another day passes and Kamel has the car, and finally it’s Friday and Kamel and I get into the car and there are ants all over the the place where my E-Brake sits and I say something about it and Kamel says “That’s weird, there were some in your car yesterday that I killed.” And now I’m weirded out because what the eff? Where are they coming from? There is no food in here and they just keep coming and coming. So we run to do errands and when we get back into the car, there are even MORE ants, but this time all along the runner boards by the doors. So we stomp on them and then when we park back at home, I lift the hood to see what is going on in the engine, what if there is a nest or something? And when I look I see ants running all around the engine, the battery, regardless of how hot it was in there, they are sprinting along like they own the bitch.

And of course, because we are awesome, we end up locking our keys in the car. So now we have ants in the car, with our keys, and no way to get into our apartment. Fuck.

Once we did get into the apartment we vowed to buy spray, get traps, we researched online, we were having this shit handled. Of course, we got distracted at home, became caught up in other projects, and once we finally made it INSIDE it was kind of hard to work up the gumption to go back outside. Then the next was the Halloween Party and the ants were less, they seemed to be dissipating (Kamel joked that they choked on all my glitter). And on Sunday they were even less, Monday too.  They weren’t completely gone, but I could handle one or two, what’s a little ant, really?

And then the following Thursday I was waiting for Kamel to get out of work. I sat in my car, listening to the radio and leaning my leg against my door, playing Angry Birds. First, one ant crawled over my pants, and this irked me, so I rolled down the window and flicked it off. Then another, and another and soon I was too distracted to play my game, I was now twitchy from thinking every single thing from the corner of my eye was a bug. So I opened the door. I thought this way, I wouldn’t be leaning on the door – where the last few stragglers were trying to make their escape – and then the bugs wouldn’t crawl on me. I went back to my game.

And then I saw them… marching… in a line… in the gap between where my door hinges to the car, and the car. And they were carrying bundles of white like chunks of cracker or bits of rice. And that was it. I lept out of the car, doin’ the full on ants-in-my-pants-dance, complete with shivers and gagging noises. It’s one thing to see a lost ant crawl on you, and a whole other to see an army marching in the dark spaces of your car. Even now I just had an involuntary jerk remembering it. Awful. So I call Kamel and he answers in his cheery, happy voice, says he’s coming right down and I shriek at him about the ants and he says he’s going to grab some tools and be right down. And then I call my dad, because WHAT THE FUCK THERE ARE ANTS IN MY CAR. More than one man in my life needs to be summoned!!! And he tells me that those white things aren’t crackers or food, they are … eggs.

I wanted to die. Right there I hit a new low of grosed-outedness.

Eggs. Those ants were colonizing my car! And I was certainly not getting back in there until they were eradicated. No siree. Call this lady a cab, or an enterprise car… this is so not happening.

So when Kamel finally came out of his office carrying paper towels, we headed off to the walgreens on foot, bought spray and traps, and went back and sprayed the hell out of my car, then got into it (me on the other side of the marching ants, something that took Kamel a good 15 minutes to convince me of doing. barf) and drove home with the windows down. That night we set up ant traps on the floors and the next day: no ants.

I did, though, have to drive my car to work that next morning and I was so twitchy it’s a miracle I wasn’t pulled over or wrecked. I had visions of an army of ants suddenly pouring forth from my dashboard, wanting nothing more than to eat my a live for disrupting their calm takeover of my vehicle. I haven’t seen an ant in my car since, but I also haven’t turned on the vents yet either. I’m totally certain when I do turn them on, ant bodies (in the least) will come shooting at me full force.

But since the systematic poisoning and murder of god knows how many ants and their young, none have been spotted in my car (woo!). And you’d think that would just end the story right there wouldn’t you? But it doesn’t. Because even though I had marching ants in my car, it doesn’t even hold a candle to what we had 1 week later.

Part two tomorrow.

6 thoughts on “I’m Being Overrun Pt. 1”

  1. Oh. No. I’m twitching sympathetically! My best friend has this issue with spiders in her car. And she’s deathly afraid of spiders.

    I get two phone calls a year from her where she’s on the side of the road having a panic attack because spiders just took her car over. She needs to sell that car.

  2. If spiders were in my car, I’d push the fucker over a cliff. I can’t even get close enough to a spider to kill it, and the idea of them leaping out at me while driving is giving me the heebie jeebies right now.

  3. There are so many things about this post that I want to comment on:
    1. This post gave me the hibijibis
    2. Love Angry Birds
    3. EGGS??? Um, NO thank you
    4. Of course you lock your keys in the car- it always happens that way, doesn’t it?

    Looking forward to part 2!

  4. Ants are way more disgusting than you ever think they will be. So weird that you bring this up because my bf just sprayed ants in his car last night. I’m reading your post thinking, “awesome, Lauren is going to have some clarity on why ants go into cars when there is no food for them to eat.” Ok, so there is no clarity, but I’m glad you are responsible for the Mass Murder of 2010.

  5. Ugh, there are things I DO NOT MISS about California…

    I’m a firm believer that ants are the spawn of Satan. Stupid little devil bugs. All of growing up we were overrun by them twice a year (generally lasted a couple of weeks each time). ::shudders::

    My dad had an old bright yellow Beetle that attracted spiders like nothing else. It was so never-ending he ended up selling it (much to my dismay … a bright yellow Bug? Um, hello? WANTS!). So I totally feel your pain on this. Makes me itchy just thinking about it.

  6. Let me preface this comment by saying that I like black ants. They generally keep to themselves, they’re harmless, they’re industrious, they keep their heads down and do their work and aren’t annoying, they don’t have a lot of moving parts or gushy bits, and they don’t move so fast that it freaks me out.

    But.

    Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwww.

    Eggs in an enclosed space?!?

    Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwww.

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