Wedding Awkwards

I promise this will not become weddings 24/7, but it’s starting to become such a PRESENCE in my life that I can’t keep stepping around all of the topics that are bursting in my head. Bear (grr! BEAR!) with me, I’ll do my best to make it funny.

Last Friday, at work, I was browsing the internet for cake toppers. Cake Toppers. Who ever would have thought I would be actually, seriously, frustratingly trying to find cake toppers. I really had never cared before, and now suddenly I do. And I am really disappointed with the lack of awesome cake toppers, and the huge number of mother fucking CREEPY cake toppers. You may be thinking, “really? two little figurines on top of a cake, Lauren, how bad can it get?”. Oh, so bad. So very very bad.

Like this. What the fuck is this? Someone is actually selling this on etsy with the intention that someone else will find it and go “WORMS! Honey they have WORMS! Can you believe it? I’ve been searching everywhere! Thank you Etsy shop, THANK YOU FOR MAKING MY WEDDING DREAMS COME TRUE!”. It’s actually titled “worms in love”. What?! No, wedding world. NO. Someone needs to put a stop to this immediately.

So then I’m like, “Oh my god, I can’t find a wedding topper Kamel and I both love, that represents us fully and completely (Both, simultaneously), what am I going to do? The wedding is… in fact… RUINED.” So then, as I most often do during a crisis, I posted on The Facebooks that cake toppers were creepy, and lots of people agreed, and then I asked the masses “well then what am I supposed to do? JUST NOT HAVE A WEDDING CAKE TOPPER?”. And when I typed those words I realized, yes. Because who is going to give a shit about the topper? Let’s just have a really delicious cake (no fondant) and eat it, and not decorate it with miniature representations of Kamel and I. Yes, lets.

This next part has nothing to do with toppers. I know you’re wondering how could I not have MORE to say on the subject, with more phrases in CAPS, but this next awkward bit is about … engagement photos. On Saturday Kamel and I had engagement photos from a friend of his at work (whose website I will link to once I have something to actually show you, right now it’s all a mystery). I was initially excited, we had two pretty sweet and unique locations (sorry, no iconic GG bridge shots) and I had planned a few outfits for both of us. We were first going to head to Stinson Beach where it would be warm and they have giant rocks to use as props. Prop Rocks ….. haha, get it? Yes. Ok. I was going to wear a pretty color-blocked dress and barefeet and Kamel was going to look dashing in a button down shirt and his grey shorts. Then we would head back toward SF and take shots in Fort Point (an old brick building right underneath the GG Bridge that used to be barracks and held a bunch of cannons. We were going to wear jeans and t shirts for this one, knowing it would be chillier.

We did these locations, but the first obstacle was the cold. Last weekend it was 80 degrees in the city and 95 everywhere else. This weekend it was 55 everywhere, period. So, no dress and no outfit change. Instead it was hoodies and jeans the whole time, which is so San Francisco, and so us, and will probably turn out great. It was the engagement photos themselves that were weird. How do I explain this? We are affectionate people. We cuddle. We link elbows when we walk, or link fingers. I kiss Kamel goodbye and hello. But we are not big into PDA in general. I think I have maybe sat on his lap 3 times ever, and never once in public. We don’t go in for the lingering hug at the mall, on the street, anywhere other people are. We are much more likely to be making fun of each other, and then I might pat him on the back.

Engagement photos were 3+ hours of longing looks, hand holding, shoulder leaning, kisses on foreheads and cheeks and “wait, don’t actually kiss, hold the moment RIGHT BEFORE you kiss”, yeah right. So, not only was I uncomfortable, I was totally stressed the entire time that the pictures would look super dumb. We weren’t getting tons of direction, so we did our best to make it up as we went a long…but lord knows how well that’s going to go. When we got back I went straight to bed for a nap. Engagement photos are just plain awkward.

So far wedding planning is just not what the magazines make it out to be. Ok, that was an obvious statement, but here’s the thing, maybe weddings are kind of like giving birth. Everyone tells you it sucks and you chuckle with them as they retell their horror stories and you nod your head like “oh, yeah, for sure,” but you kind of have this hope on the inside that “but for you it will be different, I bet she was just a pussy (no vaginal birth pun intended), or didn’t do it right, or maybe she is just too uptight, has a low pain tolerance, whatever, and YOU won’t be uptight, you’ll be able to grit your teeth and muscle through it, you’ll only care about the important things the whole time, duh,” so you’re sure that, for you, it will be so way better. Except it’s really, really not.

5 thoughts on “Wedding Awkwards”

  1. thanks for such an awesome post. can’t wait to show this cake topper to my fiance (who will definitely respond by saying–prior to seeing the pic–what’s a cake topper?). And isn’t that the point? No worm/poop/weirdo stuff on top of the cake!

  2. That’s unfortunate your photos wasn’t a fun experience- 3 hours?! That’s a lot.
    And more importantly, no cake topper=AMEN. No needs a lame ass cherub cheeked porcelain couple looking romantically out at their vast future. barf.

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