The Fear

I already have the wedding weight loss “oh my god there will be so many pictures of this day and what if I have a fat roll under my armpit” fear. It pretty much started day two of engagement, but instead of doing anything about it, I just sort of lolled around and ate some more sour patch kids. And then Kamel and I went to the Russian River, where bathing suits are mandatory, and the night before we left I had a total break down. Complete with snotty tears against Kamel’s shoulder about how i was lumpy and how the bathing suit was cutting in and how i was just going to wear a tank top the whole time and never show my body EVER. I am sure to not be the only person who looks better naked than in a bathing suit, right ladies? Can I get an amen?

I am never going to be one of those people who are totally ok with their body just the way it is. It sucks, and it takes up mental energy, but maybe it’s just part of being an over achieving neurotic. I’m also never going to be a size two, or try to get my ass to become a size two, because a size two ass is a non existent one. So I’m back on the weight watchers points, because my body wants to be 155lbs (and so does my candy loving mouth), but in reality my clothes stop fitting right at 155, and start getting all tight and then that makes me all uncomfortable and sweaty and unattractive. And nobody wants to be sweaty or unattractive on their wedding day… with all those people staring at you.

But also, let’s keep it in perspective because when I say I’m “doing the points” for a wedding that is happening next July, what I really am saying is: I’m going to lose 15 lbs because wouldn’t it be NICE to lose 15 lbs? And instead of freaking out a month before my wedding, swearing off cheese (NO NOT CHEESE!), and running 7 miles up hill, both ways, everyday, I’ve decided to start eating my vegetables, to work on my gym ratty-ness 4 days a week, to incorporate a lifestyle that will be there even after the honeymoon (cuz lord knows on the honeymoon, I ain’t doin’ shit).

And wouldn’t it be sad if you showed up to my wedding (cuz duh, you ALL are invited, all 12 of you) and you looked up the aisle when the music started, and their was a freaking STRANGER in a white dress coming at you? But then you were like “oh wait, that’s just Lauren, and she now has patchy hair from malnourishment, and her dress doesn’t fit because when she got it altered she was 30 lbs heavier, and now they have to pin it to her sad, sad skeletal frame with large safety pins.”

And now here comes the really embarrassing part. The part that I made Kamel swear up and down not to tell a single soul.

I bought… a shake weight.

And ya know what? If I actually did the routine that came on the DVD once or twice a day like I should be doing it, I bet my arms would look more toned. I’m just saying. There maybe a video or photos or something being held hostage on one of our many media devices… I may or may not have the guts to actually share said digital recording with all of you. But if you see that my arms don’t jiggle and I’m actually a mite bit toned, then you know where it came from. Full disclosure.

9 thoughts on “The Fear”

  1. hahahaha- you are the second person I know to have bought a shake weight- keep us updated on how that goes.
    1. Even if you had a fat armpit roll, you are the only one who would know (the truth of being a girl, doesn’t it suck?)
    2. You’re right- no one wants you looking like an ad for Anorexics Anonymous on your wedding day.

    1. I totally know that no one would notice – except me. And then I would be an uncomfortable, tugging at myself, wreck. And that might be even worse than a smidge of pinched fat.

  2. DUDE. Get a wedding dress that makes you look great, it’s that easy.

    Mine was super structured on top (too structured, built for a bullet bra), with a circle skirt. You couldn’t see sh*t. The end.

    1. my dress is actually a trumpet cut or whatever. trumpet? tulip? I can never remember. It hugs my lady curves cuz I felt totally lost in all the fabric of other dresses. It’s really effing tight, but I think it’s going to look awesome when they let it out a smidge. 😉

  3. Alex is obsessed with the shake weight… although I think the commercials are mildly pornographic. I have a dream that you take the shake weight with you in your purse one day (lets pretend you are going to get in a quick workout on your lunch break) and it starts shaking… and hijinks ensue.

  4. Have you seen the SNL shake weight skit? It’s pretty on point. But I still want to buy one. Let me know if it’s worth it!!!

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