Old people fall in the bathtubs and break their hips and then they die. This is common knowledge even if it isn’t completely true. But what happens to young people when they fall in the bathtub? Do they just break their hips and then lie there in agony until some one finds them? I’ve always felt that falling down the stairs, or falling in the bathroom, near the sink, in the tub, or otherwise, would be sudden death. For some reason, though possibly irrational, I don’t feel like I, personally, would be spared in those two locations.
That is why I feel particularly indebted to Kamel today. Usually the man makes me lunch in the mornings, turns on the Today Show for me while I get dressed, and that’s about it – which is pretty fucking fantastic. Tuesday morning, though, he went above and beyond. I was getting into the shower as Kamel was brushing his teeth. I stepped into the bathtub, the bathtub of doom, and scooted forward squealing, “heat!!” in a moment of pure shower filled joy. Suddenly, my feet slipped out from underneath me and I’m doing that thing where my arms are flailing and my feet are kind of running backwards but not going anywhere, and I’m in that space where I’m about to really fall, I mean full on naked, wet body hitting the porcelain in an awkward position, sure to kill, and I know I’m about to fall, I just haven’t yet.
And you know what really fucks you up? The shower curtain. The sower curtain is your friend when you want to keep water from flooding your bathroom, but it is merely an illusion when you need a solid surface to steady yourself. When you push on it, it moves with you. Turns out that is actually no help at all.
So, there I was, a flailing, naked mess, all arms and legs and slippery feet, when suddenly I felt two strong hands, one on my stomach, and one on my back, clamping me down. I didn’t actually see Kamel because I was too busy losing my mind, and we didn’t exchange a single word, but suddenly I wasn’t falling anymore, I was standing in the shower, slowly turning to face him, a slightly embarrassed smile on my face. He looked at me and said, “I need to take care of you.” And then I immediately turned into a shaking, crying, laughing, snotty mess. Still standing in the shower, water still running, shower curtain pulled aside, and my face on Kamel’s shoulder as he patted my hair and told me I was ok.
Is that not one of the best knight in shining armor moments ever? Well…. maybe it would have been a little more fairy-tale if their hadn’t been unattractive flailing of arms and legs and the snotty mess of a Lauren when it was all said and done. But I’ve got to say – Kamel is totally my “saved me from an unseemly bathroom death” hero.