Banana Oh No You Didn’t

Kamel loves bananas. He sometimes eats them in the car. He sometimes eats them in the bar (not really, it just rhymed), he sometimes eats them at breakfast or as a snack. Claire sometimes ate bananas but I never really noticed. All of these phallic fruits in my life reminded me of a long ago conversation between John, Ryan, and me. Conversations I wish I had more of – I miss them.

So here it is – your occasional blog flashback brought to you by: Bananas!

Me: I don’t like bananas. I don’t even like it when someone asks me to HOLD their banana. I usually say no.

John: WHAT? How many times has someone asked you to hold a banana? Next time in class I’m bringing a banana and I’ll be like, oh excuse me, I need to tie my shoe, would you mind holding my banana?

Me: And I would say no!

Ryan: Ok what’s your favorite thing?

Me: Like ever?

Ryan: Yes.

Me: Peanut butter

Ryan: Ok let’s say I would give you the most gourmet amazing peanut butter ever in the whole world but you’d have to hold a banana.

Me: For how long?

Ryan: A while.

Me: How long is a while?

John: Down the block and back!

Me: DOWN THE BLOCK AND BACK?! THATS A LONG TIME!! Maybe down the block…. but definitely not back.

[ryan and john erupt in laughter]

Ryan: I’m just picturing you [gasp] holding a banana out in front walking down the street. [more laughing]

John: OH NO! Put that banana away!! I will absolutely NOT hold it!!

Me: Cuz I won’t!!

3 thoughts on “Banana Oh No You Didn’t”

  1. Ah, if only Elvis were still alive. His reported love of friend peanut butter and banana sandwiches would've made your head explode.

  2. bananaphobia is no laughing matter. dozens of people are affected every year. why, just the other day, on a flight to siberia, a woman sitting next to me had the most pronounced aversion to the half eaten banana that was sitting like a bloated finger on my tray table.
    "for christ's sake!" she muttered, "can't you finish eating that stinky thing or at least throw it away?" she even called the flight attendant a few times but said nothing when approached. she only gestured lamely in my direction, failing to transmit her pain and leaving the dear flight attendant confused and annoyed. i sat calmly typing on my aquatic laptop and let her figure things out- she was balled into what you humans call the fetal position, with her nose pressed against the window, sighing heavily.

    bananas are delicious and rich with potassium. why do you shun them? although i am a cetacean, i am still a mammal and have much to gain from consuming them. they even come in a convenient packaging made by nature- they don't wriggle out of my mouth when i am eating them, like a squid would.

    perhaps you are affronted by their phallic appearance. this can be solved by decreasing the amount of time you spend thinking about penises daily. give yourself just 10 minutes in the morning and then 10 minutes before you go to bed. that's all you really need. pretty soon the banana will not haunt your unconscious as a repulsive edible genital, and you shall appreciate this classic treat revered by humans and understood best by chimps.

    maybe you can have a banana relay race, pass that banana baton! race for the cure of bananaphobia! give back to your community.

    sincerely,
    dolphin

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