I take the bus to and from work. I take it as much as I can because it’s cheaper than dealing with my car (Gas, parking, etc). Thursday I get on the bus and it’s packed so I head to the back where there are usually seats. I scan the seats. The reason I scan seats is because one time in San Francisco I almost sat in pee but thankfully this one lady warned me RIGHT before my butt touched the seat and then she – bless her heart – wiped it UP with a napkin she had in her purse. AMAZING. So – I scan seats. And on this particular bus ride before work in Seattle I was seat scanning and spotted a a large loogey on one of the seats. So I deftly avoided it and sat in the seat next to it. Sigh of relief inserted here.
But then here is where things get annoying. A dilemma began to surface. I was now the keeper of the loogey. Every time a person approached the back of the bus I was acutely aware of the seat that no one should be sitting in. The seat I had to warn them of. Now my bus ride was no longer a nice, relaxing reprieve before work, it was now full of stress and the possibility that someone might sit in a bundle of thick spit, ruin their pants before work and it would ALL BE MY FAULT. So I saved one guy from sitting there but he said he had seen it right at the last minute. So one down, infinite possibilities of people to go. Nothing happened for a few stops but then a large man wearing light colored khakis – the worst type of pants to stain with anything wet – approached and eyed the spot next to me. I hoped that he would see it like the other guy did and I wouldn’t have to say anything. But then he turned and began the squat-to-sit motion. Ah! Danger! I thought. And just as he was hovering above the seat both me and dude #1 cried out “no no! don’t sit there” and then I alone explained “there’s spit.” He was grateful and all but damn. Talk about a high blood pressure morning. If I had sat, say, across from the seat of doom I would have wiped my hands of any obligation whatsoever. But because I sat right next to it – that was my big mistake – it became my civic fucking duty to warn any innocent bystanders “beware: loogey”.